A massive debate has erupted in Canada over the hardness of our butter. It has been dubbed Buttergate and is usually accompanied by a hashtag. Arguing over butter in the nation is hitting historic levels but butter has always been followed by controversy. Below are some other controversies in history involving butter. You decide where #buttergate ranks.
29 AD- A Near Miracle
Known in the Bible as feeding the multitude, a group of five thousand people had followed Jesus to a town near Bethsaida. By night time they all needed to eat but there were only five loaves of bread and two fish. Jesus looked to the heavens and miraculously broke up the bread to feed each of the 5000 people. Unfortunately, he could not muster up enough power to provide butter for the bread which angered many because nobody wants dry bread. The hungry mob stormed into Bethsaida causing chaos on the streets and several farms were unfortunately looted.
1968 – I Want A Divorce!
A couple in Toronto had a massive fight inside a grocery store over whether to buy butter or margarine. They tried working it out but neither could come to an agreement. After months of fighting, they finally headed towards divorce. The judge couldn’t decide who was at fault because each side had such powerful arguments on both the butter and margarine sides. This led to irreconcilable differences being used as grounds for divorce for the first time in Canadian history.
1976 – Butter Has Left The Building
After Elvis Presley introduced the world to peanut butter and banana sandwiches, buttered toast took a massive hit in popularity leaving butter all shook up. It wasn’t until after his death that everyone decided to stop pretending that it was cool and that peanut butter and banana sandwiches are actually fucking gross. Butter regained its throne from the king.
1981 – You Will Never Believe This!
The world as we know it was flipped upside down when ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ was unleashed on the world. After centuries of fighting between butter and margarine, here we have a product that isn’t butter but tastes so close that you can’t tell the difference. If it weren’t for the 6 billion people who could easily believe it wasn’t butter passing on their knowledge, who knows what we would believe today.
1996 – East Coast vs West Coast Wars
A war between hip hop artists of the east coast and the west coast was created to deflect from an even bigger war. On the west coast, butter sticks used for baking are short and stubby while the east coast butter sticks are long and skinny. Despite their looks, both sticks have the same amount of butter. After the death of Tupac and Biggie, it was agreed that the two different butter sticks need learn to co-exist and not let their geographical area be such a big part of their identity. In the end, they all make the same cookies.
2003 – A Blockbuster Epiphany
At a movie theater in Niagara Falls, a couple on a blind date went to see Under the Tuscan Sun. When paying for popcorn, the man was asked by the concession stand worker whether he wanted to add butter for a dollar. The girl piped in and said no we will just use the free soybean oil with buttery flavoring over by the straws. He had no idea that squirt station even existed but he realized right then that he was looking at his future wife.
2019 – #Buttergate
A debate has erupted in Canada over whether butter is harder than it used to be. Some say yes, some say no but the debate has split the nation. There are basically two camps on the issue, those that think it’s harder and those who are 200% wrong. You need a hacksaw just to have toast these days.