1. Ontario Has An ‘Emergency Brake’ To Halt Reopening If COVID-19 Variants Spread – Considering that health officials were given a muffler, it’s only a matter of time before we can build a whole car
2. Fast & Furious 9 Release Date Likely To Be Delayed Again – The cast are at the point where their recovery time is a little slow and tedious.
3. Ontario Permits Indoor Dining for NHL Teams While Province Under Stay-At-Home Order – Fear not, you can rest easy knowing that if NHL players have any plumbing emergencies at their house, they will still only be allowed to curbside pickup a plunger.
4. Fan Who Burst Onto Field During Super Bowl LV Charged With Trespassing – Had he been playing for Kansas City, he would have led in the team in rushing and trespassing.
5. Applications to Ontario Nursing Programs Surge As Job Vacancies Grow – Applications to hairstyling programs surged even more thanks to the wonderful new mandatory six month vacation time they receive.
6. Erin O’Toole Rejects National Standards For Long-Term Care – The shareholders of LTC homes should not have to depend on government relief programs to get their huge dividends.
7. iOS 14.5 Lets You Ditch Apple Music On Your iPhone and Default To Spotify – Now you can choose which platform Siri can play the wrong song on.
8. NDP Asks Ontario Government Not To Cancel March Break – Making this the first time ever that they are asking to not cancel something or someone.
9. Ontario Couple Fined $880 for Pokémon GO Outing Amid Stay-At-Home Order – Upon hearing the news, the creators have temporarily changed the name of the app to Pokemon Don’t Go.
10. Missing $11M in COVID-19 Relief Aid For Parents Went Unnoticed For Months, Court Documents Show — Government employees would have noticed sooner but were a little shell shocked at first that someone could have 55000 school-aged kids.